bahahahahahah

Hint Its not Jeffrey Dahmer

Whats bald

And Creepy

And possibly molests children?

I lol'd

Nice...

I came back to a GH... The end

P.S. Come at me bro...

Das tight

Uhh that's what he said

We had class today, everyone excluding our magificent Force Pro guys. (Honestly, my heart goes out to Joo Gold and Steve, they are putting their lives on the line every night so that we can sleep in peace on this wonderful COS. God bless both of you.) 

lol :P

But yeah, We had class, Wtih Mr.Wild (nickname) talking about some overt and covert stuff, not really important. So the oh so educated Mac has the answer to all the teachers questions (as usual, blase blah) This that and the third. So here's what Mori does...

Before I go into this, I am wondering if it is just him are do all idiots use this tactic to make themselves appear more intelligent. To someone that doesn't know the "so-called" idiot, I can say for myself that the tactic used by Mori today could make you like a diamond in the rough if you weren't able to catch on to the used method. Just some forethought. 

So Mac would answer Mr. Wilde with the answer, and immediately after Mac answered, Mori would take whatever Mac had said, twist the words around a little bit to make them his own, and spit it out as fast as he could. Using this tactic makes it seem like you had the same answer, just in a different context, therefore making you just as intelligent as the guy that answered before you. I'm sure this works with 2nd grade teachers very well, shit I bet Mori tries to answer questions on Dora the Explorer before his retarded fucking son can. 

Let's just put it this way, all Mori wants is praise from someone who outranks him, and he will do anything to even get a head nod, even if it involves nodding his own head (LOL you get that? I mean like, giving a blowjob. Damn I'm funny). It just makes me sick to see him try and pull this shit off. You're not fooling anyone. Do you think Mr. Wilde forgot how much of an idiot you are overnight? Fuck no, he's just too nice to say anything derogatory about you. But I'm not. Yeah, I'm going behind his back and writing this, but that's just because if I say it to his face it will not just cause trouble for me, it will cause trouble for everyone. 

Moral of the story is as long as you are smarter than Mori, You will make it further in life than that fucktard. Just try in every way to be the exact opposite of him and you'll be fine. Don't forget kids, pull out if you have that extra 47th chromosome. 

P.S.- I don't even know if his kid has Downs, but that's besides the point. A retard is a retard in my book. So YES, Rain Man was a ruhtard. 

Errrrr Chief'a Rulllllf

So this is what Derby did with truck all day everyday. Tisk tisk.

Fun game

Check this game out, kind of like space invaders but with typing. pretty cool. I've only gotten to level 17

http://www.phoboslab.org/ztype/

New PT Plan...

So today Krag, Mori, Chapo, Derby and I took our final recort PT test for this deployment. I of course failed weight before we even got started, not to worry though I just ran the numbers and I am sitting at 19% BF which is 7 percent under. Now onto the funny part of the story. So before the pt test starts Joo-Gold and I are shooting hoops waiting to start. We finally start, and I find out that I am in Olaf's line. This guy grades a PT test like it is the god damn Olympics, he is constantly moving up and down with you looking like Mori's son. (If this is the first post you are reading, his son is a mongoloid.) The last time I took a pt test he told me he would have only counted 20% of my push ups, so naturally I am a little nervous about this morning. Krag goes first and does enough to pass and a few more for good measure. I step up get down and do a few just to show him I know what a proper push up looks like, his dumb ass thinks that I am starting already. So he tells me "those look good, but wait ha ha ha, we haven't started yet." IDIOT. So for the next minute and a half I do 41 perfect push ups and then reach muscle failure, I need 40 to pass. Ever other push up, Olaf feels the need to tell me how good my push ups are and how proud he is me. If you can close your eyes and pause for a second... all I can smell is Grizzly mint coming from his mouth, well that and shit because I am pretty sure he didn't brush his teeth in what smelled like the last 5 fucking years. Next is the sit up event, nothing funny here I did 60 and stood up. Then Mori asks me how I did and then how Krag did, then he starts talking to Chapo and finds out that Chapo has just nearly maxed both events. Mori tells Chap that it appears that Steve and Krag are on the same PT plan, ' The barely passing PT plan, ha ha ha'. Chapo replies yep.... passing. lmFao. Then we run and Krag throws up which in turn causes me to throw up. The end.

I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I did doing it. Any one want to join me and Krag in our new PT plan????

Lollerskates

Shaving, guess who doesnt get in trouble for not doing it?

So Mori got ahold of Joo-Gold and told him "If I have to correct your soldier one more time on not shaving, i'm putting it on paper."

Naturally I assume he's talking about me, considering of all the things I give the least shit about, its shaving.

But no, i'm wrong, he's talking about Oswald, cool broh.

As i'm walking by Mori he stops me, "WTF when did you shave today?"

Me - "At 3:30 when I had to come into work."

Mori "Oh, ok."

Idiot.

Imagine

Remember when you first got to the unit and you were sizing everyone up? Didn't know who was cool, who was a lame, a snitch etc... Well this blog solves that problem for a while. When we get back to Hood we can just show this to all the new cats that don't know what to expect from their chain of command. I know all of these mother fuckers and this shit makes me want to rip someones head off just from reading the posts for today. You guys do an amazing job of painting the picture of events that take place, but it doesn't surprise me that these fuckers think their dicks are getting bigger every day.

How do Mori and Olaf sit around and think they have a reason to be here? Neither of them have done a fucking thing the entire deployment, all they have is rank on their chest. Their IQ together equals 9 and these are the people we have to listen to. Fuck you and your good ideas. You're an E4/E5, so there is no way in fucking hell you have a better idea than me. No way. This is their logic, I swear on ma daughta.

I'll start with Mori. I try my fucking hardest to avoid having conversation with this moron, because you never know when he is going to flip the script.

Mori-"Hey bro! your ink looks so badass man, they did a really good job!"
Big D- "Oh yeah, thanks."
Mori-"HOW ABOUT A SARGENT AT THE END OF THAT"
Big D-"Oh, HOOAH SARGENT! LONGKNIFE"

I mean come on. He has to walk around every day knowing that everyone hates him. So he just shoves his beaner nose as far as he can up the PL's ass and pretends like he has a friend. Guy is a fucking idiot, I don't even know where to start with him. If I ever get the chance to defile him and his family in any way, I will. His family has never done anything wrong to me, except being related to him, and thats enough for me to fuck them up. It makes me sick to my stomach to actually think that this guy is my boss, my leader. It's not like he earned his position, they just didnt have another choice. Sad to say it, but I kind of wish Doctore was back, even though he would eat Joo Gold and Cardiac for fucking breakfast. I dont know, I take that back. They are all fucking bad, and they all need to die

Olaf is a whole other case. Same level of hate, just different reasons. For some reason this fuck likes me, or does a damn good job of acting like he does. I try and maintain this pseudo friendship because sometimes it works to my favor. You can bash on me all day for it, but I think after going to that anger management class with him he thinks we are good buddies. He also thinks we are going to hang out when I ETS and he is at Fort Stewart. If you guys wanted, I could drug him and we could.....well discuss that later, I'd rather it not be written down. But yeah. This guy is something else. E6, been in the army for 22 years, 22 FUCKING YEARS. I  was 3 when you joined dude, and you're an E6. FAIL.  He uses supplements like they are drugs, Drinks NANO Xplode like its fucking meth, and runs around tonguing his mouth trying his best to make his mouth look like a loose asshole with shit coming out of it. Mori and Olaf could die, right now, and I would not give a single fuck. I would be ecstatic actually. It's really hard to fight retards with power. REALLY HARD. I guess when people hate you all you can do is suck your superiors dicks. Olaf and Mori are pros at this.

Maybe if these two fucks put their differences aside and realized how much they have in common they could fuck each other in the ass and make the most UBER retard ever. What a scary thought.

Another thought. Mori and Olaf could get Fadi to suck them off, then Fadi could swallow their semen and host their UBER retard baby in his cavernous ass stomach for 9 months. Dude has to have a fucking colony in there, probably of his stinky ass egyptian family.

I digress.

Oh look, Angry Birds

So Olaf pulls a straight bitch move today and then a hundred others after. Olaf comes into work today at 6 AM to conduct corrective training. Oh noes, I used the company truck to drop the night crew off and Olaf saw me, and it got his dick so fucking hard, he decided to vist me hours before I should have had to deal with him. I dont know who the fuck he thinks he is, Jack Bauer or something, but he pulls this interogation trick like i'm up to something and I play stupid as he's asking stupid fucking quiestions until finally he comes out and just asks why I used the truck, near half hour later.
"Cant drive stick". Case Closed, Olaf sticks around.

So while half of the pit crew is getting a hard ass fucking i'm in the office with Olaf, totally not chilling though Olaf being the fuckface he is doesnt understand why my chair is turned to face the wall away from him. He lets me know i'll be answering to Mac now because my team is being sent on a special mission to the moon on a radio flyer to collect dust samples. Then as he's walking away adds on that the OMT shift is getting couple hours added to it, because his Mongloid looking ass has shit he has to do during that time.

1 O'Clock rolls around, the time I usually take off, Olaf is sitting in his desk with this stupid ass grin on his face talking about how he's thinking of writing on essay on how much he hates angry birds because it makes him "Think and stuff." Nice head pictures you simple fuck. I ask him again, if he still needs me to stick around, fucking of course he does, that stick up his ass wont let him make a good decision. He makes me stay till 3, and the entire two hours i'm supposed to sit at the desk and play with my dick, is spent outside with Chuci man smoking while the grown-ups talk about petty shit that doesnt matter.

At 3 o'clock, simple fuck is still playing Angry Birds, I go home.

Thanks Chuci... Ill take it from here

Chuci is 100% correct Mori's son is retarded. HAHA. No seriously though, why is it ok for Steve to find out about a record PT Test at noon today. Why is it cool that Steve gets volunteered for a detail. Well Steve didn't want to come on here and complain and bitch... but Steve is going to anyways. So here we go, sit down grab something to eat and drink this is going to take a minute or two.

Lets start with The Pit getting kicked out of the office multiple times a day, not just today. Let me paint you a picture, Olaf always has a HUGE dip in his mouth, and his stupid little tongue never stops moving, constantly keeping a fresh layer of dip spit around his mouth. Not to mention he has the biggest invisible watermelons under his arms, and acts like he has, at any given moment, just taken a hit of speed. So he will throw the door open, storm in and not look a single person in the face, throw a thumb over his right shoulder and tell everyone to get out. Let me say this now... It is not like Olaf or Mori do not have their own office 15 steps away, but no it's not good enough. They want to show The Pit who is boss. So we leave, and they will take three fucking hours to tell thing two things. So today Olaf decides that regardless of what good ideas Chapo or Joo-Gold or Mac has, "how bout you just shut up and listen", that only Joo-Gold, Oswald and Steve are going to take on the Force Pro detail. 12 hours of sitting in a god damn truck with a bunch of FAGGOT MP's, or Ignorant ass cooks, oh joy. Oh and did Steve mention that he has to have 210 rounds of ammo, his vest and helmet. Becuase you know, there are a lot of fire fights ON THE FOB!!!!!

Second at 4 AM Steve has to go take a PT test, for those of you who has no idea what that means, Steve have to do as many push ups as humanly possible in 2 minutes, then as many sit ups as humanly possible in 2 minutes. Then Steve has 10 minutes to rest before running 2 miles in 80 degree weather as fast as humanly possible. And Steve has to all this at 4 in the morning, the same day on which I start work at 11 PM. Oh and did I mention that Olaf thinks he can't tell anyone but NCO's this, and then he bitches to them. Unbeknownst to him, the Pit has infiltrated the ranks and everything gets back to us "Young Soldiers". Well that is all...

PEEEWN PEEEWN BITCHES.

Because I'm Steve, and I'm AWWWWWWESOME.

First from Chuci

Hello squad, as you know I am The Chuci Mane La Flare and this is my first post to this beautiful blog. As Big D previously posted, there is a lot of jackassery going on in our section, one of these things being Joo-gold, mah boy steve and good ole oswald have been volunteered to help out with some force pro bullshit during some stupid fucking hours. i'm sure they will have much to say on the subject so i will make this short. they have been told they will be helping with the CI mission with force pro (remember, we're not CI) and will ride around all night and into the morning looking for the bad guys on the fob. This is the second time we have been volunteered for some CI bullshit. But this one doesnt have to do with looking under semen covered mattresses for classifieds. this new task they have been handed looks and sounds shitty (it is), but it keeps them away from Olaf the Mayan warrior/blacksmith/arabic scribe and Mori the shit breath batman. my biggest complaint on this subject is why the fuck Krag, the marine and Jabba the hutt don't have to do shit. Even when we have to do little shit like unloading the conex's they barely move a finger. apparently they did real work the whole deployment and what we did was bullshit so we do the work and not them. What ever their reason is, i think its retarded just like Mori's child.

The other subject I would like to bitch about is getting kicked out of the pit's office so Olaf and/or Mori can have secret NCO talk with the squad leaders. It's fucking stupid that we have to go outside so they can talk about shit that we are going to hear anyway. 5 times I was told to go outside today. Fucking gay, but I'm sure somebody else would like to talk about this so I will stop now. Chuci Mane La Flare signing off the net.

AHHHH

Its like I cant get a break. now I'm not so mad about having to pull a detail (detail being an extra responsibility aside from what you are already assigned to be doing) but the way i have to do it sucks. 12 hours shifts, driving around with some retarded MP (military police). and probably have to listen to their retarded conversations about how they wanna be a cop when they get out of the army and how they already have a job lined up. I hate MPs. 12 hours shit. and to top that off Olaf acts like he is so caring telling me that it wont be so bad. it wont be bad for him sitting on his fat ass writing Arabic shit and showing every Arab he see what he wrote. and to make it even worse Mori's bitch ass keeps fucking with me. giving me like bro punches. i told him I'm not in the mood for that shit and he says "no one is, but you need to remember who your boss is" and I'm like your the one punching me. next time ill punch him in the back of the head and ill tell him your not the boss of. I probably wont. all the guys here know me but for you who don't i have tried my hardest to be calm when I'm angry and to control my actions but I'm so ready to let my fists fly, god i want to do it. No sex, putting up with retards on a daily basis, trapped without a place to hide, board out of my mind, nothing to do, having a roommate that smells like feet, its enough to drive anyone crazy. so for you out there who are thinking about joining the army think twice. joo-gold has spoken.

Purple Rain

Why in the fuck is it raining here? I guess it's a good thing, but WTF. So random. So I wasn't at the compound today, but I heard some of my fellow pit members got fucked over with forceprojackassery. If they told me to do that shit, I probably wouldn't do it and hope to high heaven that Olaf tried to lay a hand on me. That's just me being stubborn and immature though. I've masturbated 3 times today, and it's losing it's fun. We really need to go home. Just d/l'd the new beastie boys CD, its pretty dope. Umm yeah. I'm just waiting for Steve to wake up so we can go eat. I'm just killing time. Maybe I could beat off again. Nah, that would make a mess. Chuci tells me he might make his first post today and all he puts up is a fucking picture. Loser. :P GOURD. Srsly need to be frozen in carbonite like Han for the rest of this deployment. 

The chainz of command

Whurr is ma newportz?

Relevant?

Its says

Article I.
I am an American short-timer. I serve in the forces into which I was so carelessly drafted/enlisted/recalled/stop-lossed. I am prepared to leave them at the time so designated by the Department of the Army, or sooner if at all possible.

Article II.
I will never extend or re-enlist of my own free will. If I am in command, I will never allow my fellow short-timers to fraternize with the lifers.

Article III.
If I am called before the Commanding Officer, I will continue to resist his re-enlistment talks by all means available. I will make every effort to escape.

Article IV.
If I should become the victim of an involuntary extension, I will keep the faith with my fellow short-timers. If I am the shortest, I will assume command; if not, I will obey the shortest.

Article V.
When questioned, should I become the object of a re-enlistment interview, I am bound to give only my name, rank, service number, date of birth and date I am due to be discharged.

Article VI.
I will never forget that I am an American short-timer, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which have made carefree, happy civilians out of thousands of short-timers before me.

One less dead person for Steve.

My Theme Song

Cardiac Atlas = Surgical Map of the heart for organ removal.

Creepy much? Oh yeah. But > istalkurmom

SW:TOR

Star Wars: The Old Republic

IT would be tight if we all hopped on this shit when we got back from this hell hole.

who is ComoonRaw?

The fictional god i just made up that poops out great big fat pieces of shit, who later turn into what is known as Fat Fuck Fadis. and the basic responsibility of a fat fuck fadi is to find a group of individuals and make their time here on earth as miserable as it can be. any questions?

ComoonRaw Challenge

I have no fucking clue what ComoonRaw is, and neither does the rest of the pit. Joo, you have to explain what this place is like if you're going to use it. Living conditions, population, sports, etc. I'm sure if Fadi is from this place they like giving zig jobs and asking questions multiple times. Lets see what you got slut.

Just some fun knee fotos fo my free ends

Dats da truf

PCS party for our leadership??

I mean, He's frum da hood dough

Use this picture on your resume to describe what you did in the unit. It's pretty accurate. 

Cardiac Atlas Photo

I didn't think Charmander not giving a fuck was an accurate display of who Cardiac Atlas really was so I dug into the archives and found this pic of when we used to go to Senior karaoke night

just nothing

Today is one of those days, not a lot of shit happening, but i see this as an opportunity to bitch about stuff and things. the first thing I would like to bitch about is that my dick beating times in the comforts of my room is over. which sucks cuz now i have too watch porn and then go to the Porto potty and rub one off and I'm sure everyone who's been deployed knows that, that shit is not the best. number two thing i wanna bitch about is WHY THE FUCK Olaf and Mori think i like them or I'm in any shape or form friends with them and that they think that they can joke with me and I'm all cool with it...... GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS I DON"T LIKE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH. for fuck sakes hearing their voices makes me want to throw up, let alone having to see their faces. I'm not cool with you. number three the fat fuck Fadi every time i see him i have homicidal thoughts. this fat piece of shit was dropped out the Egyptian ass hole of ComoonRaw set loose on earth to cause suffering, he is a plague that washed over Egypt. he is the bringer of constant annoyance. his presence brings distraught. if ComoonRaw was real i would pry to him to take his spawn back to hell where he came from. he will literally stair into your soul through his optic glasses. soon he will enslave us all and have hot chicks chained up next to him while I'm frozen inside a tablet. let it be known how much i hate this shit bag. Done.

My Take on the Boys

***Moved to the Casts Tab--Nice job***

love/hate

so bat boy (mori) and wolf pussy (derby) pack us into the office to chit chat. Now i wont get in to it cuz another pit crew will, but here's my take on this shniz noz, the pit is the red headed step child of the company but it seems like everybody wants to be a part of that we have these two faced bastards fighting for our attention. quit frankly its fucking pathetic and sad. but as soon as they step out of the door we once again become the problem child who should have died at birth. either you love us or hate us there is no in between.

Derby and Mori

You "sojers" need to learn how to ack right

I can't wait to show this to 1SG!!

Mori looks like a bat in so many ways its not even funny. Oh...wait. Yeah it is. Derby has big bad wolf traits. He tries to be the good guy but in all honesty, like everyone else above us, does jack shit to help us out. He talks so weird too. Its like a Korean Redneck. I bet his Momma got caught in the wrong neck of the woods by some of JB's kinfolk, they took care of her, then 9 months later out pops Derby.  Shame shame. 

OH NO HE DIDN'T

OOO AND I KNOW DATZ FOR TRUE - buhcuz i had seent her yesterday in da back alley bobbin fo apples and let me tell you it wuz not halloween and dat was not a apple it wuz a mans paynuss.

HEY SPECIALIST

Famous words used by many to grab the attention of a member of the pit. Whether it be an Officer or an NCO, it has the same meaning, I can read your name but you are of no importance so I will use your rank instead. It may just be me that thinks this way, but respect goes two ways, if you want it you better give it. Fuck all this I am an NCO you better respect me, WHY... what the fuck did you do to earn MY respect? Join the army before me? Have rich parents who payed for your college? Good job faggot you failed at life, you got a degree and joined the army, now you want MY respect???? NO, FUCK THAT, you want my respect you earn it. You wanna know who has my respect, the squad has my respect, the pit. Not some stupid Mexican who stays in the army to support his retarded son, or some LT fresh out of Officers Basic Course with a chip on his shoulder. Respect is earned, not given.

AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE STEVE SAID SO!!!!!

Austin 3:16

This made my morning. All I need now is some bacon and a steve-weiser.

Bitch fell right into the Stunner. She probably deserved it. 

Zonk

This morning I think Olaf was looking to score some cool points, and Ol' Krag wasn't feeling up to the challenge of trotting for 3 miles (He was still asleep). So Olaf pulled the classic "zonk." Zonk unofficial army command. Typically used during PT (physical training) formations during extremely shitty weather as a way of dismissing a unit from duty. So now I'm here sitting on skype, wishing I could go back to sleep :P Gotta long day ahead of us hopefully it will make for some good material.


Alright, later dudes. S you in your A's, don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

The pass it down Method

So get this shit. A fat little Mexican bitches about how we do (or in this case, don;'t do) PT, but he doesn't want to deal with it so he passes the shit down to another fat dude known in the pit as Olaf. Now Olaf is the greatest thing since the Port-o-potty.  Olaf puts a pound of dip in his mouth and comes up with this grand idea of making everyone do PT together. But Olaf is a fucking broke dick. He's too lazy to do it himself  so he passes the shit down to another person (we all know who). Now suddenly the torch is yet again fallen down wards to the hands of the Mac and your truly joo-gold. Now what i don't fucking get is how do you come up with a fucking plan and then distance your self so far from it, granted the fucking PT police (Olaf) sticks around but no body really wants him there. he's like a fart that lingers around when you don't want it to. can somebody just tell this nut tosser to just fucking retire and die.Its already rude enough to hang around when no one likes you and when he does fucking leave take his wife Milo or whatever were calling him and their retarded child Fadi with him. the fucking end.
P.S. eat a dick old nigga.

Cardiac Atlas

I don't know what the fuck his name means, but that's ok! Cardiac Atlas has joined the ranks. He one step away from banging your mom and throws hookers out like cigarette butts. This dude is good at losing things, especially his cool, SO WATCH OUT. You ever been butt fucked with a loaded shotgun? Cal (That's what were abbreviating it to, Cal) can show you the ropes, betch. 

Finally

This is going to be awesome, speaking my mind with no repercussions, granted I brought the last shit on myself. Lets get real though, it was facebook and its not my fault that Mori is a fucking cry baby! Ok, let me start my first post by saying FUCK YOU MORI!!! This "The Pit" is where you re's truly, Steve, can tell it how it is, no filter, no censor and no "Respec and Parade Resss" FUCK YES.

But What About Dr. Phil?

The problem is Mori, as friendly as he likes to pretend, loves the old knife in the back, anything to boost his ratings and get a gold star, dudes a little insecure that Montel Williams is getting that spotlight, and Mori just doesnt understand. There is more then enough white trash drama to go around, sure it looks more like Jerry Springer, but its the best we can muster up for coporate, after all, to have black drama you have to have black people. Three doesnt qualify.

Mori has a problem. People dont respect him, and rightfully so, he's a fat mexican fuck at the apex of his life, and the measure of average he has achieved, is as good as its gonna get for him. He's starting to understand (though it'll take a while, he's not exactly a member of the braintrust) that having a car you cant afford, doesnt make you cool, espcially when your wife looks like Shrek and your youngest kid is too fucking dumb for the Special Olympics. Mori does have one thing going on for him, he's got more Daddy issues then a molested 13-year old.

It's alright though, that Uncle Tom mother fucker taught everyone a good lesson, yes even prostitutes have standards, and eventually that car you cant afford, yeah it breaks down. It's alright though, your kid will support you when your old right? Not so much, he's retarded and still shits himself.

The best part about waking up in the morning is.... Nothing.

Groundhogs day.

Like the movie, just Bill Murray doesnt bang out the chick in the park.

Execpt its not Groundhogs Day.

Its Thanksgiving with all the family you dont like, complete with the drag queen uncle, and the underlaying drama between Mommy and Daddy because they dont fuck anymore, too fat, too old, and too goddamn ugly. As you can guess, their both a little tense. It drags on forever. Equiped with Sippy Cups and a kiddy table, for any one under 35.

We have a name for it, "Deployment"
And everyday is exactly the same.

Guide to pooping/farting

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check For other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This Is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often See an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or Magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for theOut Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to Force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs,remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact..

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert Potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that You are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace..

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, Create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH..

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire..

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend Extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Joo-Gold

You can smell his musk from a mile away, its JOO-GOLD. Returning from the promised land with pockets full, This guy puts Ali Baba and his forty thieves to shame. FUCK YO COUCH. Welcome to the resistance. 

(He also brought us a jar of gypsy tears to protect us from AIDS.)

Chuci Mane La Flare

Chuci, the 1017 brick squad master has blessed us with his presence.  Notorious for not giving a fuck, being a lazy ass, and disposing of greenhits in a timely manner. Welcome to the squad Chuci.

Morale is low because we want to do hood-rat stuff with our friends

Mori, our fearless leader (lulz), thinks that we're not getting along. We're all disrespectful, don't listen to our superiors, and pretty much don't give a fuck. From what I've seen we get along great. We talk shit on the reg but who the fuck doesn't? We all agree on one thing. We fucking hate Fadi. Fadi is a guy I forgot to introduce yesterday, but he is key to the story. Fadi is a fat Egyptian fuck in our section who has been gone away to some JSS the whole deployment. I don't even know how the fuck he got in the Army, but whatever.  Maybe not verbatim, but he told me at JRTC that if " You are wearing this uniform (points to my uniform), then he hates you and wants you to die." Pretty terroristic, wouldn't ya say? 

Fadi is the definition of annoying. He will ask you a question, you answer him, then he will ask the same fucking question again. I don't understand his logic. He always has chapped lips too. Gross. 29 years old, fat as fuck, and to top it all off he is still a virgin, go figure. Here is a simulated picture of what he looks like. 

When is chow? Me so hungry!

The above photo is pretty accurate. Fadi is the main reason they think our "morale is low." I call bullshit. First off, Olaf and Mori sit around bickering like two school girls all day, trying to fight for the favor of us, which is understandable, we are fucking awesome. But they do it in such a bitch ass manner it blows my fucking mind. Two full grown men having secret meetings, telling Z and Mac they need to be more hard on their soldiers, etc etc. Let's just put it this way, if our leadership is good at anything its playing the blame game. It's always someones fault but never theirs. Things are good for Big D and the boys, and we ain't gonna let the bitch ass hoes bring us down. We've been out here for 12 months (most of us at least) and the only thing on our minds is going home and getting some pussy and drinking until we don't have feelings anymore. 

Tomorrow we have a meeting with our Platoon leader, we'll just call him Derby, since he is from Kentucky. I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow. Time to go eat some pig slop.

Steve

This is the photo Steve sent to WWE telling them that he is their "next big star."

Steve has a history of violence. Right before this picture was taken, He beat the shit out of a pregnant woman, then ripped her baby out. He devoured the baby with one bite then flossed his teeth with the umbilical cord. 

Just because I'm bored.

Part of the reason I created this blog is because I was bored out of my mind. I figured doing a deployment in Iraq would go by kind of fast, but that's not the case when there is absolutely nothing to do. And by nothing, I mean NOTHING. You can either sit in your CHU and watch every TV show the fucking haajis  sell, go to the office and play xbox until your eyes bleed, or go to the DFAC and eat their shitty ass food. It is like a prison, except we are getting paid to be here.

So since I am caught in this vicious cycle, I decided to try and document the last month of this deployment. There really is nothing else to talk about. We haven't done a god damn thing here, and this place isn't an different than the day we arrived. Dirt roads, Indians and Ugandans all over the place, and the smell of shit or piss where ever you may roam.  We've done some fun shit this deployment, don't get me wrong, but this was a huge waste of time. But fuck it, right? Who doesn't like to get paid to do nothing? I thought that was the case for the first four months. No bills and random indirect fire every few days. But that shit gets to you.

So it begins

I started my day off by waking up at four AM to go down to a shitty soccer field. OH yeah I'm in Northern Iraq and the low here at four AM is like 85 degrees. So they make us go down to play a poor persons sport at five in the morning and I'm like "fuck this."

So me and Mac carry our happy ass back to the CHU's  (CHU's are what the army calls our rooms, they are these big ass trailers with A/C units and a door mounted to them. This makes them habitable) 

I come back, get ready for work, and we gotta meet up with our section Sargent at the company at 0900. I'm sitting there reading some bullshit on my ipad and in he comes, walking around like he is a fucking mastodon, just staring at people. Let me tell you he is one of the grumpiest mother fuckers I have ever met in my life. I'm pretty  grumpy but this guy puts me to shame. I had to go to anger management class with this guy and I thought he was going to kill the lady teaching it. Literally fucking nuts. Back to the story. He gets all pissy because everyone is not there, so he's all like "we'll try this shit again at 1430." For fucks sake man we are at the end of a 12 month deployment and all you want to do is make us sit around and wait on you. So we kill some time, watched Spun and played some NBA Live. He comes in at 1445 and tells us all this useless bullshit, Then tells us he is coming thru our CHU's to check them out at 1600. Fast forward to our CHU's, he walks in for 3 seconds, walks out. That's it. I mean seriously, Maybe I'm not remembering everything correctly, or all of it. But this guy is out of his fucking mind.  He's been in the Army for 22 years and it has definitely gone to his head. I think his old ass served in Nam. But yeah, Moral of the story is fuck him for wasting all of my time so I cant sit in my room, collect a paycheck and play World of Warcraft. lulz.